Hey everyone!

As I’ve written time and time again, my New Year’s goals are down the drain. I would make excuses, but I know that’s only delaying the inevitable. I don’t want to get better anymore. It may be the depression or the stress talking right now, however I can’t ignore the fact that I’m only focusing on one hobby right now instead of everything else that I want to learn or do.

I’ve been reading fanfiction (fanfics, fics, etc.) since 2009. It’s practically been there for me for all the ups and downs of my life. I’m always finding something new to read and a new fandom to get into. But at what cost? It’s almost become detrimental to my health. It’s not fanfiction’s fault though. It’s my uncaring attitude.

Some days I don’t care if I get better. I’d rather stay holed up in my room with my laptop or iPad than go outside to learn how to rollerskate again. I spend my days dreaming up plots instead of writing them down. I just don’t care about branching out now.

I can see my life play out right in front of me if I keep this up. Scared to change and refusing to do so despite the fact that I know that I need to stop. What am I to do though?

What am I suppose to do?

I don’t know. Baby steps? This is a complete turn around from last month’s posts about self care, but a journey is not a journey without pitfalls. Right now, I know it’s my uncaring attitude. It’s good for some things. From dealing with rude customers and throwing their comments off my back to staying true to myself, an uncaring attitude may be helpful. But what good is it when I keep it up with the hobbies I like to do or would like to do?

I’m not sure where I’m going with this post. Staring at my blog makes me want to cry because it’s my baby. I’ve been working on it since 2013. I want to be blogging for as long as I can. I’m starting to discard this sanctuary too even though I don’t want to. I have to start getting better. I have to start with baby steps.

Baby steps. I need baby steps.